As I arrived I was suddenly replaced by some ghost
from the past. It was like I was the same than before,
three months, a year or two years before, like I hadn't
been somewhere else but simply not existed the time
I was away.
To such a shock I could hardly adjust. Perhaps I didn't?
At first, at least? Only thing I know of is the rhytm -
even here when I use the music I brought and close my eyes
it takes me just the way it used to and it's nothing like
anything else that would happen here otherwise.
Now that I'm leaving I'm afraid that the dance was pretty much it.
There is still nothing I share my life with, it's only a half.
All the other atmospheres, feelings, design, colours, archtitecture,
culture, fear, shape, travels .. whatever I had forgotten about
myself - not to mention showing anyone anything of any of it. If not
some of the courage and straightforwardness I don't know. Anyhow the
bags are still in my room and I'll just have to pack them again and
carry them back. Empty, perhaps? To be light enough to try to fly?
"tunnustelua" .. 'tunne' is feeling, 'tunnustella' is more like to
touch something carefully to know what it is about, I guess there
would be a word in the dictionary. Furthermore, 'tunnustelua' is the
activity, to try to touch and feel what something is about. Perhaps
like coughing a bit before starting to talk or sing or the first
steps you take on ice before really walking on it to cross the river
(would be the Finnish example, I guess).
If you are a butterfly you're first born as a worm. Then you'll have
to grow a shield around you to protect you as you try to grow to be
something else. When you come out of the shield you are, again, a weak
new-born baby. That moment is critical and you'll never forget how
you first open your wings and warily try them.
"tunnustelua" has been that moment - I first thought it wouldn't take
more than a couple of weeks but here I am with several months and
quite a mass of messages. Now it's finally time to try if these wings
can carry me. To feel, 'tuntea', instead of just undecidedly trying to.
I'm jumping off this building too see what happens!
(hope to see you there! - where?)